I was having quite the dilemma this week. I had met with the ‘Action Group’, a group I started to help others with ‘needs’, and found 4 members showed up. A couple of people could not make it but this number is a far cry from the amount of people at the beginning, 12 to 16. I went home after that meeting and can’t say I was too impressed…a little disappointed in all honesty. I posed that question to myself ‘should I stay or should I go’?
More people are actually withdrawing from the endeavor than are joining it. In a sense, I felt ambandoned. My wife and I talked about this and can see why people have left. There were at least 2 incidents where people have blown up in my face over small things since this group began. One issue was ‘prayer’ and the next issue was ‘addressing a need’. I saw how these people allowed others to dis-believe what I was doing, I felt discredited. I haven’t been in church for about 2 weeks and I still will miss another week. Those same people that doubt have found some foundation to doubt more, ‘oh, he’s not even in church’. So what was once a good 12 people had dwindled to 4 last meeting (2 could not make it). Can’t help but feel a little upset.
I then thought about something obvious. I am having these troubles because I am actually doing something, those who do nothing face nothing. Prior to starting this group I was out drinking and doing ‘whatever’, never once did I face any criticism. Since starting this group week after week has been quite the test, people seem to be putting me through the ringer. I really looked at the fact it was easier on me doing nothing than when I was doing something. Kinda troubling to be honest. I guess at that point, after that meeting, I just got sick of the lack of effort and the criticism. I notice my wife and I are getting stuck doing every endeavor, people bring ideas and leave them to us, and all I can say is where is their responsibility? Where is their careful review of the very ideas they bring?
At the point of quitting and ‘feeling’ alone I figured how can I give up? I could go back and do absolutely nothing for no one and not feel satisfied. That would also require I leave church since I promised I wouldn’t come back and just look ‘religious’ like I did for years. I had decided I would stay and just be who I am. If people don’t like it or what it is I am doing they can turn their heads and ignore me. I guess I am happier with less people who have an idea what it is I am getting at instead of having lots of people that don’t get it. I realized that I have to make people more responsible for what they bring to the group. We have to really look at these ideas we bring and analyze them until we get a good answer to a ‘need’. The person who brings it is solely responsible for getting people involved.
I feel a little better since the last meeting but I realized all the doubting of others is getting to me and driving me ‘crazy’. But I am too worried about what they think anyways and I have to let that go. All I can do is believe and that’s what I will do. Maybe I am examining this group too much but if I didn’t who would? I guess it was at the point of doubting myself that I realized I was losing a battle in faith. I really believe and try follow these words in all honesty, I make mistakes but I carry on. They may doubt but that’s not where I started from, I believe first and doubt second. Lots of good things have happened for the people involved and a careful examination tells me that in continuing even more things will change. It’s weird but I think every issue can be solved, I just believe that much in this endeavor and that God knows these ‘needs’ exist. I only have doubted, not in the solving of needs, but in the stupid questions people ask that lead only to limitations…only then have I even began to doubt.
What’s the blog saying? My faith is intact and my beliefs continue to grow as I read through the gospels. I noticed my ideas have a strong backing from what I read in the gospels. So should I stay or should I go? I think I will stay, in faith and not in doubt.