Letter to My Progressive Self

You know I don’t quite get it – why I write what I write. However, I have always liked acting so maybe that is part of it. Who am I? 

I am a common man with common perspectives and problems. My blog actually is a betrayal of who I really am…I am a very base human being with very base problems. I sit here sometimes and think ‘I talk a really good game, don’t I’? I am nothing like my talk – I am a lot more crude and real than some page with writing on it. I am confusing – I am this one thing on paper – and I am another in reality. 

Don’t be confused – you likely wouldn’t like me in real life (on a blog for some reason I am liked?). You’d likely ignore me if you really knew me. I have nothing in common with you – and you with me – except theology – which means about as much as having a president or country in common. 

I am from a different culture than you…I don’t vote in presidents or prime ministers – I am not a Capitalist at heart – I am not a Conservative at heart – these things have always seemed foreign to me. In all actuality – politics and government have been the bane of my existence. 

I do not look like you – no, not at all. I do not think like you, no not at all. My sense of humour is likely too profane for you to handle – it would be the one thing you could not understand about me. I would be such an anomaly to you and your real friends – I am in a direction you would not look twice in. High school really sucked. 

I don’t really love my parents – I think I do. So what makes me think I can actually love – having not been the recipient of it? I don’t know. Of course I would never hurt – no one gets that close to be hurt by me. I am not a mean person in my heart – but there is a fire/anger there that never burns out. I don’t really look people in the eyes when talking to them. I am not a fan of first impressions. 

I dress like a gangster some times – and have friends that actually are gangsters. I have friends in jail, I have friends in educational institutions, I have friends that deal drugs, I have friends that worked the street, I have friends that have serious addictions, and I have friends that hate you because of what you represent to them. It’s funny I actually have friends like these – are we not the company we keep? 

I am not you.

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17 thoughts on “Letter to My Progressive Self

  1. Jason

    Brother, I hope you dont mind me calling you that, but let me tell you something, you and I may be cut from a very similar stone. We may not look alike but the rest sounds pretty familiar. Same shit, different stink.

  2. I needed to do some introspection today – sometimes I get sick of myself – and realize that I am not all that I claim I am.

    “There is no pain, you are receding/A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
    You are only coming through in waves/Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
    When I was a child I had a fever/ My hands felt just like two balloons.
    Now I got that feeling once again/I cant explain, you would not understand.
    This is not how I am/I have become comfortably numb.” (Comfortably Numb – Pink Floyd)

    I heard this song today – which I heard millions of times – and I realize that sometimes I feel comfortably numb. I think I come off in these pages as something I am not – or maybe better than I am….I just don’t want to mislead anyone here – I am not at all as I seem on here. I am fairly devious compared to the saint I sometimes try appear. Maybe I am just sick of trying?

    Maybe I needed to write it also to address the fact – being on a blog you cannot really know who someone truly is and how they really are – they are artificial in some sense in here. People might think they really know me – when they know some semblance of me – a lettered me (they fill in the rest with their imaginations). I think it’s cool in one way – but in other ways people lose out…I also felt fake for some reason today.

    I think I always tried to be real on here – but it’s tough with just some writing to do that. Some things you can never really show on here – most convo’s do not allow for this. I felt like a horrible person for some reason the other day – a phoney – a hypocrite – the idealist that wears a mask like the wizard of Oz. Behind it – well there’s just some human being people do not really need to know.

    Blogs – they’re crazy in a way.

  3. I read this line somewhere:

    I looked in the mirror and asked, “Who am I?” and a voice responded, “Who is asking?”

    Hypocrites don’t ask such questions, you know what I mean?

    You are who you are. That’s cool in my book. What you believe, what you look like, who you hang out with? Hey, it all makes you the person you are today. I’ve always viewed the ability to move between many different worlds as a survival tactic. When one world gets to be too much we can just slide off into another for awhile and get another perspective on it all.

    Interesting you mention this particular Pink Floyd song. I included it as part of a post a couple weeks ago. I’ve always liked that song. Not surprising to me that you do as well. You’re not me, I’m not you, but hey, kindred spirits, dude, kindred spirits.

    This is the time of year we get all introspective and think about life, where we’re going, where we’ve come from. Fall housecleaning time…. It’s tough to go through, but man, what a great feeling at the end of it all.

  4. WOW………………..I LIKE YOU GUYS……………kindred spirits, great line Yael.

    Jason. By the way, my wife really liked what you wrote. Raw honesty. My wife is curious and would like to do your iridology. Google it.

  5. I would get really bored if I only made friends with people like me. Besides, you don’t know me either.****shrug****Actually, I think I am more like my writing than I am in person. I write about the things that interest me and that I think about. In real life, these subjects seldom come up, even if I don’t hang around with gangsters.

  6. I am not a mean person in my heart – but there is a fire/anger there that never burns out. – SVS

    We are all closer than you believe. Self doubt, self loathing, examining every word on my tongue and every thought in my heart, every pore on my flesh and building a wall to keep me seperate from everyone. A wall to keep the anger down and supressed within. A wall of words, a wall of thoughts like “Don’t look at me, I am only as beautiful as I think i am.” “Don’t love me, I don’t know how to love you back.” I only wish i could be numb to all my feelings.

    But there are cracks (as Leonard Cohen said) there are cracks in every thing, that’s how the light gets in.

    I think there is a lot of things in your life you haven’t dealt with. A lot insecurities that you want to hide and protect us but mostly yourself from, and only you know what those are.

    You’re right, I am not you. But I know hurt when I see it and you are hurting.

    All I can say is, talk with Dave. Dave knows hurt and he has helped me a lot to deal with it.

  7. “I looked in the mirror and asked, “Who am I?” and a voice responded, “Who is asking?” – yaelbatsarah

    this is genius! In “I heart Huckabees” they repeat a line over and over near the end of the movie which is similiar and its my mantra, “How am I not myself?, How am I not myself?”

    Anyway, I have read As A Driven Leaf. I loved it! Especially the ending! I liked his thoughts on philosophy and religion. It reminded me of “Siddartha” Basically that teachers/prophets/philosophers/pastors/buddhas can only take us so far. Eventually we all need to look inside ourselves for the answers. There are truths that only we can tell ourselves. Let’s hope we have enough faith and trust in ourselves to accept the answers.

  8. are we not the company we keep? (SVS)

    I remember being at band meeting on Peepeekisis and thinking “man, this is where I come from, this is my family, this is me” It pretty much sucked, because the band meeting was just a bunch of miserable people (some relatives), who couldn’t get along, thinking they could somehow create good gov’t. And this is me I thought, yikes.

    Sux to be an Indian somedays, but I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.

    I get tired of dealing with all the addicted people, the wannabe tough guys, the abusers, the dealers, there seems to be no end. But what can you do except try to be real and hopefully that will be good enough

  9. “Sux to be an Indian somedays,”

    “I get tired of dealing with all the addicted people, the wannabe tough guys, the
    abusers, the dealers, there seems to be no end.”(thejust1).

    Damn I know the feeling, and we’re not Indian……hmm as Wilfred said “We are all closer than you believe”

  10. are we not the company we keep? (SVS)

    man, this is where I come from, this is my family, this is me – the Just1

    No, I am not the company i keep. I am Wilfred Bird. I am my own person with my own feelings, past, strengths, thoughts and emotions. No one defines me but me. Yes, I hang out with certain types of people, but it’s okay to like who I like. Yes, I am an Indian, but I am not a stereotype, I am not what they say i have to be.

    It’s like a Boy named Sue. Was the man who grew up, still just a boy named Sue or a tough guy? What defines him? A name, a stereotype, his father, the community or the person inside?

  11. “I dress like a gangster some times – and have friends that actually are gangsters. I have friends in jail, I have friends in educational institutions, I have friends that deal drugs, I have friends that worked the street, I have friends that have serious addictions, and I have friends that hate you because of what you represent to them. It’s funny I actually have friends like these – are we not the company we keep? ” SVS

    One last thing, then I promise to shut up 🙂

    If we are the company we keep, then why aren’t you in jail, why aren’t you a gangster, why don’t you work the street? We are who we define ourselves to be. Not better, not worse, just different.

  12. “Hypocrites don’t ask such questions, you know what I mean?” (Yael)

    True, I am not sure I am a hypocrite at all – but I feel like one somedays. By hypocrite I mean – acting – in the purest sense. I am nto sure I am a phoney either – but I can feel like one sometimes. I guess I just have to wrestle with it sometime – and just be happy with me as is.

    “Jason. By the way, my wife really liked what you wrote. Raw honesty. My wife is curious and would like to do your iridology” (John)

    Interesting – sounds cool – looks like the study of the eye for possible diagnosis. I am game – what so I have to do?

    “Sux to be an Indian somedays, but I wouldn’t want it to be any other way…get tired of dealing with all the addicted people, the wannabe tough guys, the abusers, the dealers, there seems to be no end. But what can you do except try to be real and hopefully that will be good enough” (Just1)

    I am there with you on that one. That’s not saying we don’t have a good community – we do – we are all quite close – but we hve many issues to deal with that stem from a problematic history of abuse. Sometimes the toughest thing to overcome is the thing you don’t know exists – I find that in our community – most people are not aware of where these problems all begin or what they mean.

    I try to be as real and honest as I can be – which oddly enough includes almost never discussing faith in any shape or form (the hypocrisy part of writing a blog on the subject alone – when I never discuss it). But I try to be me – in some very rough situations – and I find people are looking for sanity some days – I am sanity they can bounce their feelings off.

    On a side note, Starblanket had to cancel a pow-wow (cultural ceremony) due to a few inmates that escaped from a Regina prison. They felt it was too soon to have this event and their could be possible problems due to it. I was pissed at this! The gangsters win?

    “If we are the company we keep, then why aren’t you in jail, why aren’t you a gangster, why don’t you work the street? We are who we define ourselves to be. Not better, not worse, just different.” (Wolf)

    I ask myself that all the time…I made choices – and so did they. I caught a real fine break in life – and church/faith unbelievably really did ‘save my life’. I have had a few people I grew up with pass away over the last few years from violent actions – some gang related – and it really reminds me of what I walked away from.

    As for what I walked away from – choices wise I mean. But you really cannot walk away from your community either – it sucks – it feels irresponsible in some way. There is a lot of problems in it – but it won’t get better if all the ones that suceed leave. So I am in a catch 22. Is my success going to determine my friends?

    I agree though – I am not the company I keep. Although these are my friends – they are not the closest of close friends either – causal aquaintances. But they do not define my choices in life – they don’t define sh*t in all honesty. They have nothing I want in that sense. All I want is their friendship. Maybe to them it’s too innocent – but they could use some innocence and sincerity – we all could.

    So in a nutshell, who am I? I am a little bit of everything. I am friends with some of the shady characters in society – I am successful. I know people that live on the streets – I own a home. I am a First Nations person – but I am also a Canadian. I deal with racism – I deal with inclusion. I am loved – I struggle with reciprocity of such ideas. I am angry – but I am non-violent. I hate the problems in my community – I love the community. I am all things to all people – I am just being me.

  13. Update – Starblanket is going ahead with the pow-wow now – I guess they came to their senses. We can’t let crime define what direction our communities will go.

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