I had a strange premonition – it lasted for 2 days – from Dec 30th to Dec 31st – I am not much for prophets…but I was one…I failed.
We didn’t really speak for those 2 days – a wall was up for some reason – we barely spent Christmas together – we really did little spending together the last few days.
I didn’t do the little things you know – didn’t say the things when I needed to (or hold her) – didn’t buy her flowers that morning when I had the urge to do so – I didn’t tell her to ‘stay home with me’ (at least I didn’t advocate for myself well enough) – I didn’t answer her call just after New Year’s Eve…I really failed all over the place for a prophet. Who wants to be right when you can’t be loved?
I did something very strange about 1:30 am on New Year’s Day – I came upstairs and I wrote on my billboard on the fridge…’she’s leaving home’…I really felt that you know. I probably wrote it the same time she was…I really did miss her too.
I heard the news in bed that morning – I knew. The questions mounted as I lost all my height, my meaning, my presence, my confidence, my faith, my innocence…I disappeared. I am nothing. I am empty page where words once filled the blanks. I question my existence. I am not the answers. I am not the comfort. I am not the soothing touch. I am not the assuring voice…anymore.
You always have to wonder – those mind games that happen when something like this happens – how much fun did they have? How much does it all mean to them? I get into the mind of the man replacing me – taking my sacred meanings and touring them for himself. It was sacred once.
Hurt is a really strange thing…its deep in the belly. The thoughts won’t go away; they prefer to torture me. I love her – I love her not. I want her – I want her not. Trust is now betrayed – fine glass is on the floor – we are tip-toeing around it – pieces of us.
She’s leaving home. ‘Don’t leave, please stick around and let’s enjoy our time together’. ‘Here are some flowers’. ‘Here is pale attempt to save’.
Nothing ‘happy’ about this New Year. Does she want to be ‘here’? I fail to see it…I fail to see much of anything anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t watch TV or play video games. I can’t blog. I can’t while she is not really here anymore. Does she know the pain inflicted? Does she know how to care now? Where’s this guilt we all read about?
I haven’t dealt with the hurt and pain – not effectively anyways. I conceded. Was it convenience? Was it love? Was it right? Was it wrong?
Every women I ever dated (or knew) has cheated on me…must be something in the air I breathe on people. Now include 8.5 years.
Think I can get past this?
“If you love me – won’t you let me know?” (Coldplay – Violet Hill)