She’s Leaving Home…Am I?

I had a strange premonition – it lasted for 2 days – from Dec 30th to Dec 31st – I am not much for prophets…but I was one…I failed. 

We didn’t really speak for those 2 days – a wall was up for some reason – we barely spent Christmas together – we really did little spending together the last few days. 

I didn’t do the little things you know – didn’t say the things when I needed to (or hold her) – didn’t buy her flowers that morning when I had the urge to do so – I didn’t tell her to ‘stay home with me’ (at least I didn’t advocate for myself well enough) – I didn’t answer her call just after New Year’s Eve…I really failed all over the place for a prophet. Who wants to be right when you can’t be loved?

I did something very strange about 1:30 am on New Year’s Day – I came upstairs and I wrote on my billboard on the fridge…’she’s leaving home’…I really felt that you know. I probably wrote it the same time she was…I really did miss her too.

I heard the news in bed that morning – I knew. The questions mounted as I lost all my height, my meaning, my presence, my confidence, my faith, my innocence…I disappeared. I am nothing. I am empty page where words once filled the blanks. I question my existence. I am not the answers. I am not the comfort. I am not the soothing touch. I am not the assuring voice…anymore.  

You always have to wonder – those mind games that happen when something like this happens – how much fun did they have? How much does it all mean to them? I get into the mind of the man replacing me – taking my sacred meanings and touring them for himself. It was sacred once. 

Hurt is a really strange thing…its deep in the belly. The thoughts won’t go away; they prefer to torture me. I love her – I love her not. I want her – I want her not. Trust is now betrayed – fine glass is on the floor – we are tip-toeing around it – pieces of us. 

She’s leaving home. ‘Don’t leave, please stick around and let’s enjoy our time together’. ‘Here are some flowers’. ‘Here is pale attempt to save’.   

Nothing ‘happy’ about this New Year. Does she want to be ‘here’? I fail to see it…I fail to see much of anything anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t watch TV or play video games. I can’t blog. I can’t while she is not really here anymore. Does she know the pain inflicted? Does she know how to care now? Where’s this guilt we all read about? 

I haven’t dealt with the hurt and pain – not effectively anyways. I conceded. Was it convenience? Was it love? Was it right? Was it wrong? 

Every women I ever dated (or knew) has cheated on me…must be something in the air I breathe on people. Now include 8.5 years. 

Think I can get past this?

“If you love me – won’t you let me know?” (Coldplay – Violet Hill)

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16 thoughts on “She’s Leaving Home…Am I?

  1. Man… I’m so sorry… don’t know what to say. We discuss on here the validity of petitionary prayer…. whether or not it works, I’ll be thinking of ya and praying on your behalf today……

  2. Sorry to see you going through this. I had to close my business of 13 years last Summer. All that time invested was coming to an abrupt end – and an ugly stretch faced me. A few days before I shut it down, I knelt down and prayed over it for a about an hour. I soon shifted from questioning and petitioning God to praising Him. It felt as if a great weight had been lifted from my chest. Whatever was going to happen, I was at peace with it. I felt an overwhelming assurance that He was in control. That feeling of dread has not returned.

    I am praying for you. And, yes, you can get past this. I have a good friend who is a pastor, and it happened to him. He and his wife reconciled and later had another child together. God bless you, amigo.

  3. I have already made the committment to deal with the pain and continue in my love for my wife – it takes some time – but I am confident in the love we have for one another. Mistakes have been made – on both sides – which includes me also – and I need to do what I can to make things better – and I am. We both are. It’s just such a strange thing – but I have to live by my committments and all the things I espouse on here – and at home…I really am that way.

  4. I’m probably the only divorced person who comments here, except for your brother….My situation was different, I filed for divorce but I had reason. I also had two kids. Thankfully you don’t have kids because that just makes it harder. We divorced over eight years ago now so I barely remember anymore what it was like. I guess I didn’t have time to think about it all that much since I was too busy trying to figure out how to raise my kids and survive. Not long after my Mom died, then my sister died, and then my father. Too many losses.

    I hope you guys can work it out, but if you’re just going to cycle through another time, let it go. It only hurts worse another time through and then there is maybe the chance of kids making it even more complicated.

    Divorce doesn’t have the stigma in Judaism it has in Christianity. Kind of interesting then that our divorce rate is much lower….life goes on either way, I’m not sure what was harder, trying to keep it going with a spouse who really didn’t want to be there anymore, or finally walking away and going it on my own. I wish you the best, kiddo. Sometimes life really sucks.

  5. I can’t speak from personal knowledge on this, but I’m not sure an event like this is something one ever gets “past.” I think there are ways to survive an event like this, and that people can still find joy, love and peace, even when something like this has occurred. I think there can be a point in time where it won’t hurt so much that it cripples you. But I also think that it’ll shape you for the rest of your life.

    But I am sorry to hear about this, and hope that you two reach the best resolution to what’s happened.

  6. Of course you can get past this, you will do so whether you 2 remain as a unit or not. Will you hurt from it, no doubt, but that doesnt mean it has to be a pain that you carry forever. If you truly believe in forgiveness then now is when you put that belief to the test. I trust you will be a better man and husband for it.

    Love and Best wishes from
    John and Denise

  7. dude, just got the whole story now after another re-read.

    i have no idea what this feels like or what you’re going through. prayers along your way, whichever way you decide to go.

  8. Jason –

    Sorry my friend for your pain. I can relate to being left and feeling that mixture of anger, loss and grief. Nothing has ever been so difficult for me as that time. C left me in May of 2005 and reading your words just now brought me back to that place…and I can empathize with what you shared here.

    Please email me if you need to chat or just want someone to listen.

    Steve

  9. Jason, I have a daughter getting married in February and I am to do the “Welcome to the Family” toast to my new son-in-law’s family. I thought a lot about what to say and, as I do like the boy a lot, here is what I am going to sum up with;

    Graham is a young man with great character and courage. He has the character of someone who cares for others and he has the courage to do the right thing no matter how hard that may be.

    With that I will also throw in that Graham was brought up by parents with these qualities… etc.

    Anyway, what I would throw in here is a couple things I believe couples need to do when things get rough.

    First you must try to examine yourself and see where you have failed. Usually you have done 95% of the thing right, but there is always some things you must be doing wrong that has hurt the other person. Do a thorough and honest search for your failures… this must be done together eventually but you may want to talk it out with a buddy you trust first.

    That takes character.

    Then there is the courageous part that comes next. You must have the courage to take the steps to correct the shortcomings. Fixing the 5% of things that ruin most relationships is tough. It is tough for the same reason that you did them wrong in the first place… You have a connection to them that was so strong that you have refused up to this point to correct them… even while you knew that what you were doing was not pleasing your partner.

    Character and Courage. Do it.

    There is no guarantee that it you will last but I truly believe you must do all you can to save your marriage.

    Love ya Jay!!

  10. Also, I guess I should add in here for anyone who may have gone through a break up that; in some cases things just aren’t right. Sometimes a split is necessary and that too takes character and courage… to do what is right although you know there are going to be a lot of hurt people and your life is going to always have that “blemish”. Break ups too, can be done in a way that causes the least amount of “collateral damage”.

    Yet, why I stressed to Jay that he must do all he can to save the marriage is that, while I have not contributed a lot here lately, I do believe I have heard enough from him to know that there is really something there that is special.

  11. Thanks for the words of encouragement – everyone – I needed to hear it – if not just for some affirmation – maybe some alternatives.

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