Love is Greater Than…Just Starting Over

I knew I had 4 days to make the decision I have made – to set the path on the correct course of action – to direct my efforts towards love/companionship. I think I am succeeding.

I have to admit – this situation occured partly because I was not a very affectionate person – I have come to see and evaluate many of my short-comings. I ignored her a lot; I was selfish; I did not share my feelings; I was not vulnerable; I lacked passion and romance; I did not share very well is the purest essence of what I mean. I have come to see that I have a lot to work on.

Why did I make the decision I made – to seek this loving relationship? I chalk it up to who she is – based on her actions. In 8.5 years she was really the model wife – perfect in our relationship – she did very little wrong…I couldn’t help but fall in love with her – she loved me and I failed to acknowledge that a lot. I see the latest indiscretion as so out of her character for those many years that it makes sense to be termed a ‘mistake’. We talked about that point a lot – and it makes the most sense – this was very out of her character – but even she got worn out of trying to maintain the love in one person without the other giving his equal share. I was wrong – on a lot of fronts.

We have decided to re-ignite the passion and romance. It took me about 4 hours from when I heard the ‘bad news’ to make the decision – our love outweighs a single mistake. From the moment of decision to now – many good things have occured. I had the chance to share my feelings over the past 4 days and to have those deeper conversations. We have shared some of our doubts and hopes – and weigh them against a more firm commitment from both of us. I bought her flowers (and chocolate) for her birthday – to re-ignite the fact I care – and I am willing to show it. We went for lunch today – spent some time shopping – something I usually just paid no attention to. We are working at what we need to – I see it – she see’s it – and I plan to maintain it.

We got a long ways to go (obviously) but we are making the steps to proceed to a stronger love and committment than prior. I feel confident in our ability to shape this marriage into the unity we always desired – and in some ways I feel a lot closer to her than I have in years. Love is resurrected – but it’s just like starting over in some ways.

It’s been too long since we took the time
No-one’s to blame, I know time flies so quickly
But when I see you darling
It’s like we both are falling in love again
It’ll be just like starting over, starting over
” (John Lennon – Just Like Starting Over)

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20 thoughts on “Love is Greater Than…Just Starting Over

  1. Soo true Bruce – and I got very selfish over the years. I need to give more and become the person that is emotionally connected – things I know I need to change. Self was part of the problem – selfishness was really the problem.

  2. Don’t think we’re not serious
    When’s it ever not?
    The love we make is give and it’s take
    I’m game to play along

    All I can say
    I shouldn’t say
    Can we take a ride?
    Get out of this place
    While we still have time

    good to see you’re taking a ride. it’s good to reconnect and resurrect the love, in some ways it doesn’t matter how it happened. but in some ways it does. i’ll echo Bruce with the “love starts when self ends” and state that

    “Can’t say I was never wrong
    But some blame rests on you
    Work and play they’re never okay
    To mix the way we do”

    there’s a reason why the song is called “work”. keep at it, i’ll look forward to reading more. peace and blessings along your path bro.

  3. Praise God Jay!

    May I suggest… when making new commitments in a relationship it is always a good time to discuss the “Love is…” statements of 1 Cor:13 together.

  4. Oh, man, I take a couple days off from the blogs, and man! SocietyVs, I’m glad you’re on a path to repair and strengthen and not simply give up. My prayers and/or just my good thoughts to you and your wife…or both!

    Have my own challenges in marriage these days. Nothing quite so stark as what you’ve gone through and not necessarily from the same source…but this is a reminder of what I already knew: I have my own things to work on in my marriage, both in terms of me and Mrs. Blue.

    Hang in there, sir…love is worth struggling over. It’s one of the few good fights there really is in the world.

  5. “Born Again I guess” (John)

    I would say this is the closest thing to that I have felt in years – it feels like a resurrection of sorts – a re-birth – a renewal.

    Its such an strange thing the way I responded – I never knew I had the strength for something like this…and in all of it – my faith was not a crutch – but something that allowed me to face the worst of my fears head on. My faith also has directed me in past years to love, mercy, forgievness, etc…and I had to use every one of those and understand their roles in repair. Not that faith was much of a thought in all of this – faith is in my bones and is inseperable – I didn’t need to think about it even – just to think about repairing my life.

    In the end, I realized my love for my wife is not something I can arbitrarily put away or shelf – and I had a problem with that for sometime (fears I guess or just the way I was brought up – fell onto old less vulnerable habits). I died a little to see a resurrection of a newer, better life ahead – or at least the possibility is there.

  6. I would surmise that all successful relationships at one time or another had to make a decision on whether they were in it for the long haul. When you make that an affirmative, anything can be overcome.

    “Love is not a feeling, but an action”

    And who said Love was supposed to always feel good. 😉

    My wife and I wish you all the best in your partnership.

  7. Relationships sure do take a fair bit of work to maintain.

    Also a lot of forgiveness and love. To me, the greatest expression of love is forgiveness. And then there are the sacrifices! Holy cow!

    It sounds as if you two are moving…in the right direction…together.

    God bless you both, and may everything work out just the way you always hoped it would…or better!

  8. I find it weird, everyone wishing me happy new year, and I really don’t think it was that great of a start to the new year for me (its getting better all the time mind you). I have a rough time saying it back – although for them it is very much a happy new year.

  9. Jason

    It may turn out that your pain right now is going to turn out to be your biggest blessing. Perspective is everything. I need to remind myself of that often 😉

  10. Jason,

    Sorry to have been gone for the past week or so. I am back now and caught up on your story here. I am sorry for your pain. I feel it with you. Prior to meeting my current wife of now 15 years, I had an engagement end under similar circumstances. I tried to get through the pain but could not. I let it go. I was too young and immature to get my eyes off my own pain and onto the pain of the person involved and what I had done to cause it. I am glad that you have had the maturity to get past your own pain, not to bury it and deny it because it is important for you to feel it and process it, but to be able to see simultaneously that someone else is in pain and that you likely contributed to it. That is a mark of maturity my friend.

    I know of the struggle of which you speak to listen and show affection and meet the needs of another. I did not have an example of selfless love set for me in my family of origin. The only example that was set for me there was being in church every time the doors were open. So I struggle with getting my mind off of myself much as you have described in your post. I am lucky enough to have a wife who is not afraid to let me have it when I have been neglecting her in various ways. But I am getting better and you will too now that your eyes are wide open to it. It is a bit corny but at the same time a great piece of advice from Stephen Covey to first seek to understand before seeking to be understood. I think of that often when I am in family situations. It is so odd that the very people I love the most, my wife and two boys, are the ones on whom I can lay out the most punishment.

    Hang in there my friend. From what I can see, you are headed down the right path. Life is a journey, and the journey is most rewarding when it is a struggle. You and your wife will come out better in the end for this thing.

    Doug

  11. Thanks Doug for the words – I am working my way through everything and trying to become the best husband I can…I am able to forgive the incidents that have happened – I guess I recognize my part in the problems of the past years…also what I can do to make this all better. It takes both my wife and I to make this better – but a lot of work needs to come from my side (I have come to see that).

  12. Great post! Of course some of the comments begs the question about is there such as thing as selfish love and self-serving love. I think we as sinners engage in it all the time. Of course, its not real love then …. is it?

    The depth of our sin points to the greatest love of all. Christ who died for us as we were yet sinners. The answer to true live is “in Christ” … the author and perfector of our faith.

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