On The Cusp…

My wife and I have seperated for a period of time…no clue if she will be back – no clue. Never felt so lonely in a house we built together…strange in a way. I lost?

Word to the wise – what the hell does original sin do for me now? But Jesus rescued you ‘dude’ and all will be well again – maybe? But will it save my marriage and give me the advice I need now – how close is a God from 2000 years ago that supposedly dealt with this sin crap – I see nothing. Theory is crap also then. It helps none – it means nothing – who the hell cares where this all came from – what’s the answers to it? Believe. Last thing I will need to hear in tears tonight.

I turned it around – and you know what – the teachings shine on – not some theory. No theory is going to help me focus and re-focus in all of this – none I tell ya. No atonement theory. No sin theory. No cross theory. No Paul theory. Just the teachings breathing as if they were the air around me – remind me to breathe. Those theories do nothing – and I mean nothing for direction in times of need.

Life sucks sometimes – but I have to go through it. But I don’t have to believe a bunch of theory junk with no relevance to how to deal with life at all. I see the foundation I built – and it ain’t in some theory in the clouds. Maybe I lost. David – you psalmist – write something for me tonight.


39 thoughts on “On The Cusp…

  1. I can relate to the pain I hear in your words. It’s not been too long ago that I wasn’t even sure if I could even stay here (in this life) and cry myself to sleep. I don’t have any advice for you but I do offer to you the simple knowledge of knowing that I do care, I do feel your pain, and I do want you to get through this. I can say that when you do get past this very real crisis in your life that you will be a new person, a better person, a wiser person. Does that mean you will automatically be a happier person…….I don’t know, but maybe this life isn’t always about being happy. Maybe this life is about finding a peace that is always there even in the worst of circumstances. Just keep breathing my friend and let the future take care of itself.

  2. Jason,
    You’re right.

    The Psalms read all the way through in one sitting….it’s not magic. It’s life. The pain of my people pulses through the lines. One can feel it, one can absorb it, mingle it with their own and go on together, no longer as an individual but as part of a people, in agony, in anger, in resignation, in hope, in being crushed, in lifting one’s head, in daring to take a step again, in figuring everything out, in reaching the heights, in realizing it’s all an illusion as one crashes down again, in getting up, in taking a step again, all within an embrace of a people who know as their life flows into yours, together, and you understand nothing and all.

    I’m so sorry.

  3. You are right. Believing more. Praying harder. Having more faith. Being more sorry. It’s all empty. And how do you do any of that anyway? Those words are hollow fluff that are mostly offered to make the giver feel like they have offered something. I think what we most often need is for someone to just sit with us in our pain, to feel it along side us, instead of someone trying to fix our pain. For whatever reason, no progress in this world is made without pain, hard work, struggle. Did God (and I do believe that God is out there) set it up that way or does “original sin” explain it? I don’t know the answer to that. But that is where we find ourselves, and there is no escaping it. All the theories of God’s kingdom continually coming do in fact seem like crap under such circumstances. Why doesn’t he just stop it all instead of letting us continually suffer through it all? I don’t know. But the thing I do know is that you don’t heal and improve and get better and fix problems until you hit bottom, until the way you are living doesn’t work anymore. And these are probably all hollow words of things you already know. Just know that I am sitting with you in your pain, my friend.

  4. Hey, man. Very sorry to hear this.

    Pain can open you up to God in some profound ways, though. The one who has suffered has the opportunity to know God in a way that the one who has not suffered cannot.

    For whatever it’s worth.

  5. I have to agree with you that theories and pontifications and such don’t help at times like these. Perhaps with your comment about David though there is an inking of what might help…those Psalms have often gotten me through a lot, impassioned prayers that they are. They don’t solve anything, but they’ve often been a source of support and strengthening.

    The relationship of you and your wife is something I will continue to pray for, and I wish you all the best, not only from my soul but from my heart.

  6. Society,

    All I can do is echo what others have already said — I’m very sorry. I hope, in the days to come, you will be able to find a moment or two of happiness to carry you through until the next day, and so forth.

  7. “They don’t solve anything, but they’ve often been a source of support and strengthening.” (Deacon)

    You know, sometimes God wants to change us before He changes our circumstances, and that’s beautiful. In a sense, that is a solution. Strength from God is amazing.

    Good word.

  8. This is where I am at:

    I want to atone for my bad behavior as a husband – not being there for her all those years – kind of turned offf emotionally…she won’t let me – she is living seperate from me with no plans to come back. If I cannot atone for my actions – and I have tried every damn thing available to me – should I abide in her confusion about this relationship? Do I accept her uncertainty that leaves me in a emotional limbo (ups and downs like crazy)? Or do I make the decision she cannot make to hurt me?

  9. Jason,

    I have a similar experience from about 15 years ago. It was tough. I wanted to make things work out, she didn’t. My decision was just to let it slide, and she eventually divorced me. Only over time did I realize that life could go on in a completely different way. It was hard for a while, but things adjusted. Just going through the motions of life showed me that life was possible, even though not the best.

  10. Hey Jason

    Trust is earned. Its too soon to think she should just “let” you atone for your bad behaviour. Take your time, let it cool a little and then show her by your actions youre a changed man. Unfortunately its going to hurt. Hey the few scriptures I know by Heart, this one may help.

    “This too shall pass”

  11. Society,

    **should I abide in her confusion about this relationship? Do I accept her uncertainty that leaves me in a emotional limbo (ups and downs like crazy)? Or do I make the decision she cannot make to hurt me?**

    If this seperation just recently happened, I’m not sure how you can make the choice between either of this options at the moment. She might not be letting you do anything now, but is it certain that she’ll feel the same in a month or two? Granted, I don’t know how long one would wait in that type of limbo. But I don’t think you should decide not to keep trying at this point.

  12. Her stand is she has to what is best for her – but it effects me also – so maybe I have to do what is best for me? She isn;t that concerned with the pain I am inflicted by this incident – I was cheated on – now she leaves – and I thought a marriage was supposed to be 2 people working at – together – not alone in seperate corners.

    I understand the need for space – what I don’t understand is the uncertainty one can carry for another person they claim they ‘love’…love doesn’t quite work that way – so she thinks she’s ocnfused – damn…someone should crack my skull opn and look at my thoughts. It’s a proverbial ‘she loves me’ – ‘she loves me not’ of rose petals lying on the ground.

  13. I understand the need for space – what I don’t understand is the uncertainty one can carry for another person they claim they ‘love’…love doesn’t quite work that way – (Jason)

    “Love is not a feeling but an action.” By your own words you havnt been very loving to her. So now is your chance to show how much you Love her. Actions speak louder than words, and if I follow what you are saying, you owe her. Step up to the plate and be a man.

  14. “Step up to the plate and be a man.” (John)

    John I am doing every single thing I can – and it ain’t working – for the past 18 days or so…I just have to wait in limbo it appears.

  15. As long as she can keep you near by and explore her new found freedom she will do that, but that’s not her call unless you let it be. If you want to work things out you should tell her that you are willing to give the marriage everything it deserves to make it but at the same time you should set bounderies you can live with. Only you can know what bounderies you can live with but as long as you are on her string you could be in for several months of pain. If you can live with that it’s your choice, but she might also be waiting to see if you give her an ultimatum. My advice is “Don’t Bluff”. If you give her a deadline then be willing to follow through. I feel for you and wish for you both the best but you must remember that you can play a big part in how long you let this pain drag on.

  16. Jason, who are you most concerned for… your wife, or yourself?

    Sacrificing self means loving others, no matter what.

    To me, the message of the Christ event is not about the “teachings” but about the idea of love and acceptance, even if it kills you. The best friend is the one who is willing to die for the other.

  17. I cannot imagine what you are going thru. You are in my thoughts. I have been married 42 years and still I feel totally inadequate to give you advice. The only thing I can say is I believe everything is a learning experience, so ask, “what am I supposed to learn from this?”

  18. Yeah, Jason, be inspired by the model of a guy who did not marry and therefore could never relate to the pain of having a wife cheat on him and leave. After 3 hours your pain will be over forever and after about 1.5 days you’ll be raised up so that eventually millions of people will worship you! Yeah, be just like that guy, what a sacrifice, what love!

    Or maybe you could just be you and do what is best for you in your situation, something no one but you could possibly know. I had a spouse who cheated, I went through divorce, but I went through all of this as me, not as you, so I will never say I understand, only that I care, that I hurt for you and that I wish the very best for you. Don’t let anyone, myself included, dump religious platitudes on your head. That part I do understand, I had to deal with it, too and it didn’t help in the least and instead made me feel that much worse.

    There are no pat answers, no easy solutions. Only very real pain and confusion. I will modify something we tell mourners: ‘May God comfort you along with all those suffering through abandonment, separation and divorce.’ None of us ever go through things alone, there are always many others dealing with similar circumstances. That isn’t to downplay our individual situations but instead keeps us from feeling so alone. Others are there, too, and they know the pain will not go away in 3 hours nor will all be made right in a couple days. Life just doesn’t work that way.

  19. John I am doing every single thing I can – and it ain’t working – for the past 18 days or so…I just have to wait in limbo it appears.(Jason)

    Though I may not know you in the flesh, I have been talking with you long enough to consider you a friend. Now with my friends I usually expect them to call me on things as I would call them on things also. Ask yourself this, If you were emotionally distant to your wife, isnt that the same as her having to wait in Limbo? When I commented on you being a “Man”, I meant that a Man will be patient and not expecting things to turn his way quickly. A man understands that situations require you to be steadfast and loving even in the midst of pain. When we are boys we expect things to go by our timetable, when we mature we know otherwise. I know you are capable, as is evidenced by where you have come from.


  20. I’ve never had to deal with a separation, though I’ve certainly been at points where I thought I might be on the cusp of one (or divorce). If your wife wants to live a life totally separate from you, that is going to be a problem. But is that what she’s really saying? Or is she legitimately asking you to wait. You’ve both done hurtful things it seems. I don’t know who’s done more damage, and I’m not sure it’s helpful to try to measure up your sins and missteps against each other anyway.

    I would hope she’s willing to keep some line of communication open and I’m hoping that you stand ready to communicate with love when she has something to say. This may be a long, limping path to reuniting.

    Or, you may not reunite.

    Or, you may split and come back together more than a decade later (as my mom and dad did when they remarried during my college years).

    This is painful, and you have every right to feel anguish…but 18 days is a short time in comparison to what I presume was months or years of stuff (most likely on both your parts) that led up to her affair and this separation.

    If she truly loves you and wants to make this work, the two of you will continue to have chances to come together and figure things out. If you are truly committed to rebuilding this relationship you will be as patient as you need to until the time comes to reunite, or it becomes clear that such a thing will not happen any time soon.

    Wish I could give you a timeframe, but these are murky waters for those most closely involved, and even more so for thos of us far outside the circle.

    Goodspeed, man.

    (P.S. Yael, do you think this is the best time you could choose to piss all over Jesus and his sacrifice, which you have so vastly oversimplified? This is about SocietyVs in this thread, not your issues with Christianity.)

  21. Everyone – Luke says ‘hi’ from Egypt – wrote me in facebook.

    Deacon Blue – Yael made a point – I see no problem with that point – although it may offend the sensitivites of Christianity – it doesn’t offend me – in fact I think she is on to something.

  22. Okay here is where I am at – and this is a doozy.

    Part 1: My wife cheated on me on New Year’s Eve (what a day to pick – talk about timing)

    Part 2: For 18 days I did the very best I could to answer all the problems I added into this relationship and gave a valiant effort to fix those and have passion for the women I love. This all came very easy to me – I love her – so when I got the re-focus of this might all ‘end’ – I ‘manned up’ and stepped to the plate and brought my very best fro her – no apathy, no content, just the very best I could offer. I still have some problems with us – but nothing so dire ‘we’ could not work it out.

    Part 3: She asks for a leave of absence (seperation) on Thursday – the 15th. I agree because there’s not much I can do about that.

    Part 4: I am alone in the home we built for almost 5 days now – lonely, hurt, unsure, doubting, emascalated, in love with no one to hear, etc. She didn’t even call for 2 damn days – and on the third day I had to call her because the urge could not be stopped. I am now, for all intensive purposes, taking care of this home – so now I am building it.

    Part 5: Do I stay in limbo even if it hurts me to death? At what point do I not seek the health of my well being and my ability to heal? If I stay in this condition it’s comparable to re-opening the same wound just to watch it bleed. At some point one has to committ to saving this thing – or let the other properly heal…confusion does nothing for someone that is ‘sure’! Her confusion is actually killing us in a way.

    But maybe that’s the whole point? Maybe she doesn’t want to be here – maybe she wants something different – maybe she is out of love with me – maybe she is not the same person I fell in love with (and am still in love with)? I cannot change one iota of these things she feels and thinks – I can only control what I have in my heart, mind, and hands. I don’t fell like a cutter today – I feel like I wanna heal.

    See the real problem is we are ‘seperated’ – 1 is slowly becoming 2 by no choice of my own – but by the simple fact I have to react to her actions (she cheated, she left, she’s unsure, etc). Was I really that bad? Did she stop loving me years ago? Am I a worthwhile person? Am I attractive? Am I meaningful? I have to answer these questions you know and no amount of confusion is going to help me – if I really want to heal.

    For the life of me, and this may just be me waking up and smelling the coffee, this girl cheated on me and then left me – what kind of idiot am I to think she is the one trying to save this thing?

  23. Take time now to grieve for the loss of you marriage. Grieving is the beginning of healing and it is your choice if you heal with bitterness or with a heart of love. Your future will be determined by how you choose to view your past. We can look back with great regrets or we can look foward with wisdom from lessons learned……..again, your choice. I truly wish the best for both you and her. You will always be connected because of your past and I hope that in time you will learn to remember the good times and let go of the pain.
    Blessings to you.

  24. Well, this has been one roller coaster of a ride for you, SocietyVs…and not the fun kind. Sounds like she had already come to a decision by the time she cheated on you. Can’t imagine what the future will bring, but I hope it is kind to both of you.

  25. Jason,
    Again, I’m so sorry. Thanks for your comment in my defense. I don’t call what I said oversimplifying anything but instead cutting through all the hype. And if that’s what it takes to keep people from dumping sanctimonious bullshit on you I will do so again. We’ve been blogging pals for almost two years now. That counts for a lot in my book. Take care man. What a shock. For me it was a year between the time I caught my ex cheating and when the divorce was finalized. I don’t suppose though it made anything any better.

  26. My apologies to Yael if I came off harsh. But the way it was presented seemed a bit extreme and a bit off topic. I guess if I see someone in pain and others are trying to be supportive, I don’t think it’s a good time for me to get up on a soapbox. If that’s not what you were doing, I’m sorry, but it sure felt like it. I guess I equate it with someone coming in from a secular-misogynist and saying, “Hey, isn’t that like all women, huh? Just forget the bitch.” It doesn’t seem helpful. Jesus is a still an example and a source of stregnth in many ways even if he didn’t ever marry.

    We are all supporting SocietyVs in our own ways and most of what goes on around here is religious in nature. I would expect much of the support to follow a religious or spiritual tack.

    Anyway, again, my apologies if I have offended.

    SocieytyVs…as Yael has noted, the speed of events isn’t necessarily any comfort, whether slower or faster. But I would urge you to try to avoid any extreme life changes or huge decisions if you can for the next year (assuming things don’t miraculously turn around). In my own life, I’ve seen too many people do things like change states or sell homes or give up on the other person in the short run, and they end up with more pain in the long run. This is a time to reflect and grieve and hopefully heal, and I pray all three can happen for you in the best possible way.

    With all the stresses I’ve seen in my own marriage, your experience makes me both nervous and hopeful. Nervous because it could as easily have been me…and might one day be. Hopeful, because you seem to be handling it in a more reflective and positive way than most people I have encountered in life, and I hope I would be able to do the same.

  27. Jason. As I said before, I sit with you in your pain, listening and understanding. Thanks for being honest with us. Partly because of what you have said in the last 20 days mixed with my searching process over the last several years, I decided to level with my wife about some things I have been hiding for our entire marriage. Not things which rise to the level of which will fracture our marriage but things that I was hiding that were keeping me from meeting her emotional needs for connection with me. It was gut wrenching for me to do this 2 days ago as we drove along a trip. We cried. And I am humbled. I share this only because I want you know that your experience here was one of the final instigators that pushed me to finally tell her of that which for a couple of years I knew I needed to come clean on. If it is possible for you to know in your pain that you have helped someone, I want you to know that you have helped us. Thanks. I look forward to furthering our blogging relationship.

  28. I wanna thank everyone for your encouraging words – namely you Doug – that really touched me and made me happy. I needed support more than anything in this whole ordeal and that’s waht you all gave – I want to thank you from every piece of my heart.

  29. Hi Jason. Sorry about the break up. I pray you will heal and grow out of it a stronger man. Many ask “why does God let bad things happen”. Part of the reason may be that it is our struggles that bring us to a deeper connection to God. Time spent on our knees is precious… even when we are in pain.

    I have always thought of Jesus our Lord and God our Father as friends that I can trust on to be there when I need them. The Psalms and words of wisdom are always able to provide a reassurance when all else seems lost.

    Blessings Jason.

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