I debate a lot of theology on here and interpretations of scripture – because it’s fun to me more or less. I am beginning to realize I have no valid concerns about the church in general – I sit with the atheist in that place – ‘we’re on our own pal’. I think I would prefer to have a drink with an atheist over a Christian if truth be told.
The fact is, I will never be accepted to where I once was (within the churches I attended) – I am a social outcast for all intensive purposes. I chose this I would say because I saw no other way. I did not want to leave church…I needed to. The day I left was when I realized my views had outgrown that of the leadership of the church and my changes were not going to match up wth theirs. My direction was changing – the winds were blowing in a new way that day – that was 1999.
Church doesn’t hold the same sway it once did – I was much younger and nieve then – I needed that diection and guidance as a 17 year old (mixed up teen caught between life and death). The church really has nothing new to say to me…’Jesus is the answer’…to a question they also invented and I wouldn’t of even bothered asking. It isn’t community – it fronts as one – but when it comes down to it – it’s not a genuine community…it’s a club of some sort complete with benefits. What passes for spirituality in some of these places is pure mysticism – lacking any real depth yet people swallow it up like valium…remember ‘slain in the spirit’? It’s just not a thinking man’s game.
But I am a thinking man – and my logic within many Christian circles is not really a ‘bonus’ as much as it may be a ‘hindrance’. I get the arguments about ‘raising my logic over God’s’ or ‘His thought are not ours’ or ‘I’d rather be a fool for Christ’. But I ain’t doing that and never was…it’s a projection and I am a screen. What did it say to me? ‘Your thinking is not welcome here – it’s just not helping any…so leave or repent’. Wonder what Jesus would do if he was asked questions that were tough? Dodge and evade and use the spirit as an excuse for a lack of logic.
But I am a thinking man – I’ll take the blame – God created me though (just turned the atheists off). I am a believing man – I think Jesus may be a messianic contender (just turned Judaism off) but is definitely not God (just turned Christianity off). Last night I wondered as I lay alone – is this it? Is this all there is to life? I get this far just to be cast off and cast out? Where the hell are the people like me…can’t count on sh*t these days. Or better yet ‘puke’.
There is a saying I love ‘like a dog to it’s vomit’. Well, I don’t like vomit…I don’t mind doing it I just don’t want to return to ‘eat mine’.